No More Car Trips

Decided to go away to see my parents new house near Ballarat (Creswick) and then onto Pops' at Wycheproof last weekend. Took Sarah and Jessica away with me.

Lovely 3.5 hour drive to Creswick on Friday night (only got lost twice near Ballarat). Nice house, big lot of land and huge garage. Both girls traveled well. Sarah was very chirpy and at times annoying.

Moved on to Pops' via St.Arnaud on the Saturday. 2 hour drive. Girls were fine. He's doing well but really starting to feel his age (101). I don't know how 70/80/90 or 100 feel different - but I suppose Pop does. He still has his marbles and talking to him is like stepping back in time. Jess loves Poppy and really enjoys his company. Sarah was a bit of a spaz at times and really wasn't interacting at all. The constant yelling at Jess and then Jess screaming at Sarah was starting to get to me. Left early on Sunday morning.


(Sarah and Jess at Lumper Statue - Wycheproof)

6 hour drive back to Gippsland punctuated by stops at Bendigo (lunch - McChuckas), Deer Park (Smack Converters), Hallam (Inlaws) and then home. I dumped them at Ang's parents as they were really starting to drive me bonkers. Fighting over a 5 cent toy, kicking seats, the constant "Cant-keep-still-itis", etc. I left and got 30 minutes to myself at Fountain Gate. The final 90 minute drive was hassle free (thankfully) as my eyes were starting to pop outta my head.

After getting home Ang fed us some dinner and then absconded off to Bingo. Ducky (Ava) went off tap until she got home and Jess then plastered the hallway with stinky vomit (carsick).

Had a good time. Was ultra happy to get out of the car and away from them.....

Things

Quit my shit job 2 weeks ago.

On the last night I worked there I was abused by customers 50% of the time. This due to customers waiting 60 minutes (and in one case 100 minutes) for their food. A drunk native took the gold medal for the night when he called me a "fuckin' white cunt" and told me "this is not you fuckin' country" I came very close to throwing a few cut lunches at him. Adrenalin was pumping like a mothafucker but in the end I didn't because I was thinking about my job. What a waste... should of rammed his food into his face and punched him in the gonads. Got back to the shop and told the owners that I was going home. Didn't clean. Didn't mop. Just got my cash and exited. The following night I called in to say I wasn't coming in as I was heading up to Melbourne. Haven't been back since..... Nor have I even been called.

I have never trusted a fish'n'chip shop run by Asians. Don't know why... probably cause they can't cook greasy foods to save their lives.

Pretty happy to get away from that whole environment to say the least.

On the home front Jaiden and Sarah have been off sailing the high seas with Ang's parents the last week. On a P&O cruise to Noumea. They get back on Sunday. Jess and Ava have been a real fucking handful during this absence of older siblings. Ava caught Conjunctivitis from Daycare. Jess caught an ear, nose & throat infection. They have been ultra nightmarish overnight. Jess has been in our bed the last 5 nights. Ava won't settle at all.

Sleep... We're both due for some soon.
Won't happen for another 2-3 years or so until Bubs-to-Be is at least 18 months or so old. Strikes and gutters, onto the next frame....

We took Jess to see a Dora Live concert at Warragul yesterday. Was OK. She enjoyed it at least. A few hot mumma's about but I kept the eyes pretty much straight ahead.

I applied for a TAFE course today. Certificate IV in Mental Health. I think that's my field. Pretty much have a lifetime of experience BEING a psych patient. At least I think I can help a few people out that need it. And I think the whole psychiatric field of employment will be booming for the rest of my life as young and old wannabee's will continue to pop/inject/inhale whatever they can afford. Sad but true...

Smile. Today is over. Now onto tomorrow...

Mt.St Gwinear 2010

Took Sarah and Jess to the snow on Wednesday. There was about 20cms up there but it was very compacted and icy. Hired a toboggan for an hour or so. Had to leave when Jess cracked the sads after a bad spill going down the run with Sarah. I was up the top quietly chuckling to myself afterwards.

It put Sarah in a great mood for 2 days. She didn't shut up on the way there or on the way home.

Boy or Girl ?

Find out today (in under 2 hours) if we're having a boy or a girl at Xmas time.

Ang has plonked all her money on a boy. She has been sick nearly every morning since conception. I'm hoping for a boy too. But don't get me wrong, I would love another daughter.

This is our last child. If it is a successful pregnancy I'll be having the snip early 2011.

More Arcade Fire

Musings

Yeh.

Last 2 nights has seen me sleeping on the couch with Ava. She is a bit unsettled during the nights and it is the easiest and quickest way to get some sleep by just grabbing her and plonking your ass on the couch for the night. At least Ang gets some quality shut-eye. Ava did sleep through the whole night twice last week and so far once this week. Hopefully she is turning a corner for the night. Please...

I was shitty as all fuck yesterday morning. Of course it was typically something so obscure and small that did my nut in (Ang taking forever and not being able to make a decision). To clear my head I went to the TAB, slapped $50 on a nag, got up, collected my profits and turned on my tail feeling much the better. If I do have a bet - I just back the favourite. No point reading the boards, studying form, etc etc. Yeah the professional punter can (maybe) make a living at the TAB but not some no brained donation freak like me. Smart money is on the fav - I'll stick with that. Has worked the last 14 days (I'm about $60 in front from 4 bets). And doing a George Costanza (leaving on a high note) to boot. Get a winner and get outta there. If I don't get a winner in 2 races - walk away. Money is tight so I'm not going to be collecting thick wads of cash.

Jaiden went for his learners yesterday. We bought him the book but he never studied it and thought he could wing it by just doing the online test at home. Wrong. Fail. He is going to sit again soon. Young people - they know it all.

Ang's phonecall with Paige last night didn't go to well. She was a wreak for a an hour or so until she had a chat with me. I told her - it doesn't hurt if you don't care. But that is all well and good for me. Ang carried her, nurtured her, raised her and all the rest. Paige basically stabbed her in the back and went to live with her father. When Paige is older it will really hit home. I see a cadre of psychological care for her down the road. But I might be mistaken. Never know.

Other than that things are going well. Can't really complain.

Things

Has been a busy week or so.

Decided on Tuesday that I wanted to go back to my old job. Rang up the old boss and asked if I could come back. Woke up Wednesday and knew I had made the wrong decision. Went into my current employer and told him what I had did. He wasn't happy. Told him that I had a bad day and made a hasty crap decision based on said bad day. He's OK about it now. The one thing I told him - at least I am honest about what I did.

Went and saw my pdoc on Thursday. I wasn't in a good mood at all. We had a great session - discussing my own problems and his own. I like Danny because I feel that we help each other. He has an ASD as well. His child died from cot death which prompted him to become a psychologist. He even praised me "I'm in awe of you" - which sorta took me by surprise. Whenever I go there in a bad mood I come out feeling heaps better. And vice versa normally.

Haven't called Byron in over 2 months. A bit scared now that if I get back in contact that it will throw the sidchrome set into the works at his end and mine. Very complicated situation indeed. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. Especially hard when he lives 5 hours away and I have a young family at home and wife is 17 weeks pregnant.

My random act of kindness this week was taking in a McD's happy meal to Sarah at lunchtime. Put her on cloud 9 for the day. My mother did the same for me when I was in primary school. Good memory. Just trying to replicate that with Sarah.

The monkeys in the house keep swinging from the branches. Big Daddy Ape just needs to swing in the branches with them at times and be ready to catch them when they fall.

Chest pains revealed no abnormalities in the blood work. GP (who I thought had as much compassion as Hitler on a bender) said it was probably just indigestion.

Got the new Camira on the road on Monday. RWC and rego'ed for $300 without any hassles whatsoever. The mechanic (A friend of Graeme's) was ultra impressed with how good nick it is in. VicRoads inspection was check engine numbers and walk around the car. So all up it has cost me 700 quid to have a vehicle with 6 months rego. Not too bad. Hopefully I get over 70,000 kms with it. The amount of money the previous owner spent on maintaining the vehicle was ridiculous. His loss, my gain.

Mood has been pretty stable last week. Not high, not low. Bit of a Special K at the moment.

Work is busy. Has been OK I guess.

Kids at home have been a bit full on. They are now at daycare an extra day (Friday's). Ava threw up all over me this morning at 3am (fun) and then we slept on the couch until 6am when Jess woke us up demanding I make her a bottle. Nice.

I am a little bit fucked to say the least....

Arcade Fire

Meh + Bo = Sna !

Had to take Jess to a skin specialist yesterday at Warragul. Turns out her spots are called Molluscum Contagiosum. She's had them for over 6 months now. Look like warts. They cover the back of her legs and her back. She has never seemed that bothered by them. A simple ointment will eventually clear it up. Otherwise she'll need them burnt off - that will be a nightmare because when we went in to see the doc Jess hid underneath a chair and then lay on the ground with her blanket covering her.

I've been having some chest pains the last week. Have been to the qwack and am awaiting blood results on Friday. Nothing too serious but I would like NOT to have a heart attack, thank you very muchly.

We knocked down the woodshed 2 days ago. Gonna build something for Jai so he has privacy and we gain an extra room.

My moods have been a bit sedate the last 5 days. Guess messing with my meds has Iggle Piggled it all. I'm not yet fishing from the roof, good sign. Just feel a bit detached and devoid of emotion. I'd rather that than jumping down everyone's throat. It seems little things set me off the most.

Spot on

Trippy pic

(Looking west towards Yallourn North Power Station - 15 kms away)

Happenings

Decided on the spot on Sunday to go to my parents house on Sunday. We stayed overnight. Kids were a nightmare. My parents seemed inconvenienced that we visited. To me it came across that we disturbed them from packing up (moving to Creswick in just over a month). We had Chinese (not as good as it used to be) and Ang and my Mother went to Bingo. I had the monsters for the night. Ava slept through the night but Jess was a freaking disaster. It was very cold though. We drove back the next day. Won't be doing that again anytime soon.

My parents are a bit of a disappointment to me. My older brother gets 3 days/nights a week with my Mother living down the road from him. He lives in Wycheproof (3 hours north of Melbourne). She is supposed to look after my 101 year old Pop. The guts of it is - he gets it all, we get a 3 hour monthly visit. He is a school teacher. His wife is a School Principal. They have a rental in inner Melbourne (Yarraville). Now tell me - how much $$$ are they on ? I'd say well over 100 K a year. I know I know, bit of sour grapes from my part, poor middle child syndrome.

I fuckin' hate it though. My family and kids miss out because I don't have rainbows blooming from my arse. My younger brother even had it better than me up until a few months ago. He could smoke dope in their house without fear of being booted out. Me and him got an ultimatum from our mother 7 years ago. We broke the rules, I left and never returned, he continued to do whatever the fuck he liked. Yeah - sour grapes again.

I all can say is that I'm not going to be jumping through hoops when they get older, more crinkley and infirm. My Pop always tells me not to worry about it and that everyone gets what is coming to them in the end. He laughs when I tell him my woes and says "Don't worry son, they'll be old one day". Yeah - good advice.

I'm up early today (4AM) because of bad dreams (happening of late) and an unsettled stomach which is due to last nights pizza. Work is becoming more of a hostile environment. One of the owners is a Nazi. And I think that's being unfair to Nazi's. Time to be getting myself a daytime job. I think 3 years of working nights is enough.


(Looking East towards Loy Yang Power Station - 25 kms away)

Sunday

Had a very interesting day.

Got a sleep in till 7am (Hasn't happened in a while) - FTW
Thought leaking coolant problem in Leaky the Camira was fixed - FTW.

Getting a Canary on Leaky the Camira for having a dull number plate and 1 baldish tire - F$#!. Leaky the Camira then blowing a head gasket on Sunday night at work - Double F#@!!!

Mixed day indeed.

Bought another fuckin' Camira on Tuesday from eBay for $398. Later model (88) so hopefully it goes for longer than 6 months. I'd be happy with that. Needs a RWC and then to be registered. My friendly backyard mechanic thinks it looks OK on first inspection. Fine comb still to come.

I've gotta think up a name for it. It's Gold coloured so I'm liking GoldDust, GoldFrapp, GoldFinger, Bond, etc etc. Not sure yet.

We had to fork out $300 today to get the Ford Exploder some new ball joints installed. And I've been driving it for work the last 2 nights. I don't like it that much personally as I'm over 6ft tall and have some weight issues likened to a habitual seal eating walrus.

Apart from that things are looking somewhat more pleasant than what it did a few weeks back.

Mood Up

Has been a good couple of days lately. Think it's due to me doubling my meds. I only take a low dose and with the constant sleep torment found that low dose not working as it should be. Since doubling it I have been calmer, more relaxed, sleeping better (due to kids being more settled overnight) and slightly more happy. The other day I said to Ang that I wished that I was dead, that I hated my life and I could happily walk into a State Forest and never come back. Thankfully things have improved.

Been watching the World Cup when I can. Usually see the early game and the last 30 minutes of the late game. The fuckin' horns ruin the viewing spectacle. I'd rather hear foreign chants and curses to the sound of European wasps having sex with Africaan killer bees. Found this good (annoying) website with those fuckin' horns.
Vuvuzela Game - How long can you stand the noise ?
Turn the speakers up and see how long you go. I last 2 seconds and that's it.

On other news Leaky the Camira is on its last legs. I reckon it's going to do a head gasket in the next few weeks/months. I need to get the RWC to VicRoads in early July. I have decided to get another el cheapo car with rego and piss it off. Has been a disasterous money-eater from the day I got it. Fuckin' stoopid cars. Alas, I need one for work. A guy I deliver to wants the Magna in the backyard. I told him last night that he could have it for $200. He'll let me know next week.

Jaiden turned 16 on Tuesday. And Ava turned 1 yesterday. It has been a busy few days. Jai got a few clothes from expensive Surf shop and some coin. Ava got crap that is useless. I think she was more impressed with the wrapping paper.

Life, I think, has turned a corner for now. I just need to stop the mood swings. Although they don't linger like a smelly carpet (ie. Leaky the Camira) they are still a annoyance to myself and more importantly my immediate family. Hopefully the self induced med change helps.

Children under 3

Two words can sum it up = Pleasant Nightmare

Ava is a real fuckin' handful of late. She is going through the whole attachment-detachment phase of life. If you leave the room = tears. It is very annoying and stressful. You just can't seem to catch 5 minutes to yourself.

Jess is a tornado of destruction. Her batteries never die. I decided that I don't like this stage of her development.

Glad I have tonight off. Have worked 48/56 nights. I can see a holiday around the corner. Even if it's camping out in the backyard.

I shit you not !

Stress

Another 430am morning wake up. Jess beside the bed asking for her teddies and Dora. She then woke Ava by running through her bedroom. Bonus !

What are your stress levels like ? What are your main causes of stress ?

For me it's many things. Waking up before the sun is even likely to crest the horizon does not help. Being sleep deprived is a hard thing to catch back up on. Personally for me this has been going on since Jessica was about 6/7 months old. She was sleeping in our bed every night for over 12 months. So the backlog of lost sleep is a major concern. I'd take a 1 hour quality nap over 6-7 hours of broken fucked up shut-eye any day. It's something that you can never regain. I liken it to starting a car with a flat battery. And sooner or later (hopefully never in my case) it's all going to go pear shaped. I'm sure secret bunker type studies have been completed in this area. Currently it's a major force of torture in Gitmo. Yeah that's right - it's used as a weapon of war. For fucks sake. Guantanamo Bay would be like a holiday to Disneyworld for me. It is currently 70% of my main problems with my life. Can't see an end to it as well for at least another 3/4 years as Angela is 11 weeks pregnant with our LAST child together. We put our order in for a good baby - bit like buying a Powerball ticket hoping to win 1st division. Never gonna happen but you hope in the dark recesses of your brain that it does.

Another cause of stress to me is money. Not that we don't have any. Just the way it is spread out over things. I'm a tight ass. Have always been a good saver even when I had barely an income. I live on nothing - can go days without eating. I understand we have kids and their needs must be met. Just wish we could keep to a stringent budget come payday. I feel guilty when I spend $1 on myself. I'm sure Angela is the same. But our kids don't go without. We are both totally selfless. Even if we had decent coin - I think it would just cause MORE problems. We could tighten our belts in some areas (gambling, unnecessary spending) but some staples we can't go without. Having 2 in nappies doesn't help. Soon to be 3 later this year. Luckily Jessica is nearly toilet trained. FTW !

Another cause of stress is Sarah. She has ADHD. We liken it to having 3 kids under the age of 5 not 2. I met Sarah for the first time after she had just turned 4. In my opinion she was easier to 'handle' back then. I guess with time her illness is really starting to show it's true self. She is a lost cause in the mornings. Doesn't listen to any things that we tell her to do (unless we hand over $$$ to do it). I aint gonna be doing that. We have to take the easy and the hard roads with her at the same time. It is very confusing. On one hand you have to constantly bite your tongue as she spins around on the floor when told to do something and then on the other hand try and give her extra attention and praise so she comes out of her shell. Throw in her father and the dramas that have gone on in that situation - who can gauge what effect that has had on her in her whole enitre life. He wanted Angela to abort Sarah in utero. Dropped her on her head a few times. Etc etc. Then again I never saw all the negatives in her life. I hear it second hand from Ang, Jaiden and others. I believe all of it though. And the sad thing is that Sarah will not get better for many years to come. We just can't spend the time with her - not with the 2 little ones demanding all our attention. Catch 22 situation. Damned if we and damned if we don't.

I could go on for years on how my life sucks at the moment. But it is just specks in the ocean that makes my life suck at times. If I look at the whole picture - I am so happy to have a loving, caring wife, great kids, a house (mortgaged), a job (shitty) and that I am not in the Nut House.

Pro's - I'm alive.
Con's - I'll die one day.

Birthday

I turned 33 today.

Early bday present was waking to Ava at 2am (burp) and then again at 2.30am in which I went and slept on the couch with her until she woke up at 4.30am. Then got a lovely nappy from her at 6am. Bonus !!

What does a birthday mean to an adult ? Jack shit. Thats what.

I told Ang not to get me anything/much. Don't think she listened. I bought myself the TV series Weeds season 1 and 2 bags of lollies the other day for her to wrap and give to me from the kids. I have an inkling she got me a Super Cheap Auto voucher. I know Jaiden got me something out of his own money. The SCA voucher will come in handy as my car, Leaky, needs things all the time. Im expecting a call (maybe?) from my Mum later in the day. My 2 brothers won't do jack as we are not close at all. My Dad is probably buried somewhere in the garage fixing motorbikes/sidecars.

10 years ago I sat in total darkness for an hour just before my actual birth time. That was due to being more out there than Prot from the movie K-Pax. My most memorable birthday would have to be my 18th. Not for any wild parties I celebrated. My older brother took me fishing down in Ocean Grove (past Geelong) with a friend for the day. It is a great early memory. My parents took me to Taco Bill in Sandringham for my 21st (I was with Kylie at the time). I remember my older brother getting me a gram of dope for a present. I celebrated my 27th birthday in the USA. Got a ticket to a Phillies game (which was later washed out) for a present. I remember my 16th birthday as my dad told me "sweet 16 - never been kissed". Dickhead.

It's just another day in the wheel of life. I don't remember waking before 5am for any birthday though. Hope I have a good day. Seeing Danny at 1pm for my monthly psych check-up. Already put a load of washing on and will shortly do the dishes (as they're stacked higher than the Empire State Building).

Can't wait to be told that I smell like a monkey and I look like one too.

Week

Up 2 steps - Down 1 step.

That about sums up the week just gone. Being a front line parent has it's moments. Dizzying lows that seem to last a whole fucking lifetime. Yet some really high points that although don't last long enough make it all worthwhile.

I've been spending a lot of time with Ava. She is on the cusp of walking all the time. Already taken her 1st steps but at the moment can walk around the whole house with support (chairs, walls, etc). She even bit me today. Playful nip that she thought was hilarious. Of course I reacted to it - so she'll continue to bite from now on. Just a stage they go through.

Jessica has been a bit of a nightmare of late. Very moody (just like me). She clashes something awful with Sarah. Yet at times they play very nicely together.

It's nice having Monday off. I cooked a nice Bolognaise for dinner. I miss sitting down for dinner with the family. It suxs not being here for that. Gotta keep the moolah coming in otherwise it's highway time for us all.

Work is OK.

Home life is arduous at times. Doesn't help waking before the Sun is up 6 out of 7 days. If I didn't like it - I wouldn't be here. It's an inconvenience for sure. But not a life or death situation.

Meh.

Children Collide - Jelly Legs

Wearing thin

Don't know how I am still operating normally.

Jess and Ava are wearing me down like I'm a tissue that's been blown into once too often. Woke up this morning at 330am to screaming from both the little ones and Ang yelling and cursing at them both. I got up and steadied the ship. Managed to get Ava back to sleep after 40 minutes and Jess fell asleep watching TV (coughing). They are so demanding - need every last scrap of my persona.

My Mum came down on Sunday. Jess summed it all up nicely "I don't like this Nanna". Couldn't agree more with that simple statement. Token visits are just that. I'd rather she visibly didn't give two rats about us. She couldn't wait to get back to her little boy and little girl (brothers kids). My parents never (and still don't) supported me with the whole Kylie-Byron mind fuck. That is still bitter within me. Been over 10 years and I'd like nothing more than to smack my fist in their heads for their lack of support. It now continues with Jess and Ava. Well - at least they are consistent. If only my kids names started with X or G....

I liken the last 3 months (especially) to being in a warzone. Sleep is near non-existent. Stress levels through the roof. Shell shock, PTSD - yeah I'll have a bit of each.

Was Byron's birthday last Friday (turned 11). I called him up and spoke to him for 10 minutes. He seems to have calmed down a little but I can't gauge this until I see him face to face. Talked to Kylie who was pretty drunk and she told me he has calmed down over the last month. Baby steps. Day by day type of thing.

Work is just that - work. If I didn't have to do it I wouldn't. Alas, I don't see any winning tattslotto tickets in my neck of the woods. Or a 200K quaddie. Boo hoo...