Jesus.
I've been anchored down of late. Too much shite on my mind. A lot of stress be it either money, the house or the kids. Ang understands me well and we talk openly about the problems which is excellent. If one festers one cannot heal.
My main worries have been been, I guess, money. Always not enough to go around. I earn over $400 a week from work yet it seems every week it is spent before I have it. Not good. We are still recovering from the Xmas/School Holiday period. Has been a total (if not disastrous) wipeout. Apart from that I've been totally avoiding what to do with the fruit of my discarded loins (Byron). I have come to the conclusion that I am never going to be close to him and I don't want to fuck up his/and his parents life by being part of it. Hmmm. This is a toughy. I will make the decision when it becomes clear to me. We are dealing with the Paige dilemma as we speak. We saw her counsellor last Thursday and she seems nice. Time will tell with this one as we are at a total loss with what to do with Paige. She is (if she continues as she is) going to have a hell of a hard time as she grows up. Poor kid.
I feel as though I am not passionate enough with Angela. I wish to hell I could be more of a good husband. I feel as though I am being a cold hearted bastard at times. It isn't me though - it is my defunct genes. Damn parents. I will continue to make an effort to be a loving, caring man. Just takes some extra effort at times with all this other stuff going on. We sorta come last (me and her) in the greater scope of things/life. We talk and air things out which is great. I love her to death and would do anything for her.
Jessica is a terror. A beautiful, snuggly bum terror at that. Steals my heart with a flash of her mischievious grin/smile. Another soul that I would lay my life down for.
I guess I understand what love is. It is when you cannot go without the special people in your life and that there is an ache in your heart when you are away. My late cat (Millie) falls into this category as well. Funny it seems that I was so close to her, but she was my little companion when times were at there darkest (1997-2003). RIP old girl. I miss you.
Well, what more can I lay down... I guess I feel like a battery operating on empty at the moment. I reach deep and find the guts to keep doing it. Always will. My special ladies in my life give me meaning and the will to keep going. Awww.